


Don’t Say You Know Me (You Don’t)

by BuckyAndDanno



Series: Evan Buckley/Jay Halstead Fics [7]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Although The Twins Are Adorable, Angst, Army Jay Comes Home, Bay, Best Friend Nate, Dad!Buck, Dad!Jay, Emotionally Constipated Eddie Diaz, Emotions, Evan "Buck" Buckley Deserves Better, Halstead Twins, I Had To Bring Nate Back, M/M, Mama Halstead Is The Best, Married Bay, My Favourite OC, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Protective Nate, SEAL Buck (Past), What if?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 12:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30123048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno
Summary: He just doesn’t understand.He supposes it’s been a long time since he and the team really talked – what was it, 10, 11 months now? – and even though things had felt like they were getting better, it’s still kind of hard to suddenly say “oh, yeah, I’m married by the way?” and harder still to add “also, I’m a Dad?”So it had kind of just lingered, time stretching further and further. But it wasn’t like he’d been hiding it either – that’s what he doesn’t understand.He’s talked enough about Jay and the twins – wasn’t that why Eddie had blown up at him in the first place? – has filed the paperwork, even changed the name on his turnout.Now he knows they just don’t look at him anymore, don’t listen, and… he gets it.He does.He knows he’s exhausting sometimes.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Jay Halstead
Series: Evan Buckley/Jay Halstead Fics [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929322
Comments: 16
Kudos: 252





	Don’t Say You Know Me (You Don’t)

**Author's Note:**

> So this kind of came out of nowhere when I was supposed to be finishing a Buddie One-Shot and working on some other stuff, but… I’m not sorry? It’s kind of akin to When Silence Becomes Golden, except more angst and with no redemption. I hope you like it.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1 or Chicago P.D. I’m just playing with ships that will never exist except in my mind.
> 
> Warnings: Angst, feelings, emotions, Bay cuteness, and the Halstead Twins being adorable.

It started about two months before the fire truck bombing blew his world upside down in more ways than one. Despite their close friendship, after Shannon’s death Eddie had pulled away from him, for reasons Evan had not been privy too, and it had left him feeling rather unmoored.

He’d tried to continue being there for Eddie, but it was like there was this brick wall between them that he couldn’t scale. They still hung out, he was there for Christopher like always, but there was something different.

Something had changed, and Evan didn’t know what.

He didn’t know what he’d done wrong.

But it was clear after a few weeks that he needed to give Eddie some space, and so that’s what he did. He was there when he was needed, but otherwise he didn’t impose; movie night became more infrequent, he went home much earlier, and everything he’d thought might be between them just… stalled.

So he tried to branch out more; to find something outside the 118 that was just for him. Something that maybe wouldn’t slip through his fingers like dust.

He opts for rock climbing, finding a great centre in LA that offers a discount to first responders and military personnel. The first two weeks are pretty normal, he enjoys having something new to look forward to, and then he sees Jay Halstead, and everything changes in a single instant.

They’d first met so many years ago, when his SEAL team were sent in to retrieve a team of Army Rangers taken hostage. The two elite teams worked together a few times after that, and he and Jay had gotten real close.

It was how he’d discovered his sexuality, and had been the first really serious relationship of his life.

But eventually the long distance became too hard to bear, and they’d parted amicably. They’d kept in touch a little bit afterwards, but eventually life simply pulled them too far in opposite directions.

Now though he finds out that Jay has been stationed in LA for the past several months, working only as an Army trainer so that he can be home more regularly for his two children; Robin and Pheonix Halstead.

That was a little bit of a shock to Buck, if he was honest, but it had nothing to do with Jay and everything to do with himself. He’d always known Jay would make a great father – had imagined them with a little family of their own once or twice – but it was just another instance where he could see everyone else around him moving forward.

While he was simply stuck; clinging onto the few things he had.

He can’t deny that the candle he’d held for the man is still lit, flaring further when he finds out that the kids’ mother had left, giving all rights to Jay, and so he chances asking him out for drinks.

Perhaps he’s not the only one still fanning a flame though, because Jay agrees without hesitation, and soon after he’s being folded into their little family as quickly and easily as he had with Eddie and Christopher.

The thought of them still aches if he delves too deep, thinks too much about what could have been, but he settles himself into the role of best friend and fun uncle easily enough.

If that’s where Eddie needs him to be, then that’s where he’ll stay.

With Jay though, the other man isn’t shy in his soft touches and sly glances, nor in allowing Buck to become part of his kids’ lives. The 20-month-olds take to him quickly, and they worm their way into his heart all the same, until he’s barely at his own apartment at all.

Between firefam outings, being there when Eddie and Chris need him, and evenings spent with Jay and the twins – occasional date night that wasn’t quite yet called a date slotted in there too – he finds himself barely alone.

It’s perfect, for a while anyway, because of course nothing in Evan Buckley’s life is ever going to run that smoothly for long.

Their borderline friendship/relationship has been going for just over a month when Jay officially asks Evan to be his boyfriend – “again” he adds with a cheeky grin – and Evan responds simply by kissing him.

For two months, he feels like the luckiest guy in the world.

And then some crazy kid with a grudge against Bobby decides to blow up a fire truck, and Evan feels his entire world explode with it. The pain in his leg is nothing compared to the pain he feels when Bobby doesn’t visit for those first few days, when Eddie doesn’t either, and the only real comfort he has is from his sister and his boyfriend.

The two meeting brings a smile to his face, a rare sight in that hospital room, and then Jay is bending down on one knee, velvet ring box in his hand, and Evan feels his heart stop.

“In a hospital?” He jokes, because it’s the only thing he can think of, wondering if the heart monitor was going to start whining at all.

But the room is silent, tears streaking down Maddie’s cheeks and a grin on Jay’s face as he tells him how much he loves him, how all of this has made him realise what an integral part of his life Evan has become, and then, of course –

“Will you marry me?”

All he can do is nod, heart thumping wildly in his chest as Jay kisses him, sliding the ring onto his finger. He’s floating, happiness flooding his system, and for a long while he can forget that the family he thought he had is nowhere to be seen.

Instead, he focuses on the family he’s gaining; Pheonix and Robin asleep on either side of him, cuddling close.

Bobby comes a little later, after Jay has taken the kids home and Maddie has left, with Hen and Chim in tow, and behind them, Eddie.

Bobby apologises for not having come sooner – he’d been having a hard time with the fact that Buck got hurt because of him – and the others have their own reasons. He can’t really bring himself to blame them, if he’s honest. They all have lives outside of his existence.

It’s not their fault that, until recently, he had nothing except for them.

They don’t notice the ring on his finger, and he never finds the right moment to say anything. Things between them seem so fragile now, like they’re standing on ice that they know is going to break.

It hollows him out a little, reaching for Jay’s presence even when the man isn’t there.

From there, it only gets worse.

Where Jay spurs him on in his want to return to the station, understands his need for this family he’s created, the 118 simply doesn’t. Bobby tells him to take it slow, Hen tells him to be careful, Chim says to take his time, and Eddie… just pulls further away. It’s some of the only times that he hears from them, and it just makes him work all that harder.

Yes, he has the family he’s building with Jay and the twins, has Maddie, but he needs – wants – them too, and they just don’t seem to see it.

Then, of course, he suffers a pulmonary embolism and is caught in a Tsunami, a month apart, and suddenly **all** he hears from them is calls to be careful, to look after himself, slow down…

Calls that say he’s not coming back.

It makes him want to scream.

So he sues, and it’s probably the dumbest decision in the world because it means he can’t talk to them at all, but what can he do? He’s losing them and he doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve it.

He and Jay get married, and the only ones who can attend are Maddie, and Jay’s brother, Will.

He adopts Pheonix and Robin. His little girl calls him “Papi” for the first time, Robin’s toothy grin seared into his mind, and he can’t tell anyone.

Pheonix follows shortly after, the day he gets back to the station after dropping the suit, and he still can’t talk to them; because, this time, they don’t want to listen.

He apologises over and over, tries to explain why, tries to talk about his emotions like his therapist has been telling him to, but he gets nowhere.

Bobby moves him to the truck, Bosko still in his place on the engine, and he doesn’t fuss.

He knows he’s brought this on himself.

The truck team are a good bunch, and he especially gets on with his new partner, Nathan Young. Nate is the one who helps him the first few times he has to ride in the truck, the first few times after its predecessor crushed his leg, when his hands are shaking and his feet are frozen to the ground. He’s the first one who openly asks how Evan is, if he’s okay, and the first one Evan finds himself able to open up to.

He’s the first one he tells about Jay and the twins, and it’s because of him that Evan finds himself able to relax, to be more himself.

He starts not to flinch at the looks he gets from those he once called family, the harsh words and the dismissal. He accepts what fate has dealt him, happy at least to have his job and some friends there, to have, most importantly, his new family; people who love him so unconditionally.

He accepts that things aren’t going to get back to how they were.

For a while, he’s okay. He and his new team hang out when they’ve got down time between calls, and he talks freely about his husband and kids, and they even hang out after work sometimes, grabbing a drink at the pub or a coffee from their favourite café, depending on when their shift ends.

None of them yet meet Jay and the kids, and maybe it’s because part of him wants to keep his bubble secure, at least for now, but they’re okay with that, and he’s happy.

Then Jay gets a call from one of his old Army Rangers team-mates, is told that their former leader has been taken, and suddenly they’re torn between his loyalty to his commander, and his loyalty to his family. But Evan knows that decision, knows the pain he must be in, wondering if his friend is alive or not, and he all but pushes Jay out of the door.

“We’ll be okay.” He tells his husband, kissing him softly. “Get him back, and then you come home to us.”

It’s the hardest decision of his life, but he knows it’s the right one.

Annabelle, Jay’s mother, steps in to help him with the kids when he’s at work and he can’t get a sitter, or when they’re crying for their Daddy, or when he just needs some help because he’s only been doing this for a few months and he doesn’t really have anyone else. Maddie is there too, but his sister has as little experience with kids as Evan himself had when he entered Jay’s life again, and there’s only so much she can do.

For two months, he flies solo, floating only through those he has supporting him and the infrequent calls he gets from his husband, confirming that he’s okay. He manages, because Bobby starts talking to him more, Hen and Chim throw him the odd smile and Eddie lets him see Christopher a few times.

He manages, because he thinks that things are getting better; that he might get back what he lost, as well as getting to keep what he has.

He should have known better than to hope for more, when he already has something so perfect.

He should have known better than to think they could ever see him as anything other than a reckless kid.

It all comes to a head one day when he’s stood in the kitchen at the firehouse, talking to Nate. The past weekend had them celebrating the twins’ third birthday, and it had allowed for some hilarious escapades for the family, resulting in Evan all but pushing his phone towards anyone within range.

“Oh, and then the twins – ”

He hears a huff from a few feet away, turns to see Eddie looking at him, eyes narrowed. “We don’t need to know, Buck.”

And that… hurts, because it’s not even the way he says it or what he says exactly, but more the implication.

It’s not that they don’t need to know.

It’s that they don’t want to know.

As much as he’d thought these past few weeks had been somewhat more normal – like they used to be – perhaps it was all just his imagination. Maybe they would never truly forgive him, and he was just kidding himself in thinking everything could ever be like it once was.

The look Nate gives Eddie in return is nothing short of angry, and Buck feels a little bit of something flare inside him at the defence. “Like we don’t hear about Christopher all the time.”

“That’s different.” Eddie shoots back. “He’s my kid.”

Buck feels his heart splinter in an instant.

He’s **my** kid.

Yeah, because Robin and Pheonix didn’t matter, did they?

It didn’t matter that he was practically a single parent right now, with Jay away in god knows where, doing god knows what, and not knowing if he was even going to come back okay, let alone when.

It didn’t matter that he finally had good, solid things in his life.

No. None of that mattered to Eddie Diaz, whose gaze was only ever looking inward.

A second later, the hurt solidifies into anger, and he finds himself whirling towards Eddie, gaze blazing. “Fuck you, Diaz.” Then he turns and storms down the stairs, heading straight into the gym and punching the literally stuffing out of the bag hanging there.

“Woah, woah, Buckaroo.” Hen finds him a moment later, concern dripping from her expression.

He has to laugh. It’s the first time in months that she’s shown anything to close to that to him.

It’s the first time that any of them have given him much more than brief comments or a tight smile.

She continues, oblivious to his inner anguish. “You’re gonna hurt yourself if you’re not taped up right.”

He just shrugs. “And?” Maybe without Jay he would have said something along the lines of ‘who cares?’ but he can’t really now; not when he has two of the three lights of his life waiting for him at home.

“Buck…” She grabs his arms, all but pulling him away from the bag and to the empty bench. He’s too tired, too angry, to fight her. “What’s gotten into you? What you said to Eddie…”

Buck’s eyes widen at her, astonished that he’s once again getting the blame for this; for everything. “What I said? I wasn’t even talking to him, Hen, I was talking to Nate. He’s the one who came in with ‘yeah, we don’t need to know Buck’. I mean, I know none of you really give a crap about me anymore but – ”

“That’s not true.” Hen says softly. “He just doesn’t need to know about your conquests or whatever.”

“My…” Evan’s expression becomes pinched, brows furrowed. “I was talking about my kids.”

This time it’s Hen’s eyes that widen, expression comically slack – or, it would have been, were Evan’s mind not suddenly knocked for six.

They’d really thought…

It just showed, in one instant, how they hadn’t paid attention to him once since he came back.

How they didn’t care.

“Fuck, Hen.” He shakes his head, anger rising once more. “I know I’ve been a bit of a pariah, but… I guess I’ve actually just been a ghost.” He shoves himself up from the bench, stalking back into the truck bay at the exact moment the bell sounds.

He jogs towards the truck, grabbing his turnout from its hook, and the last thing Hen sees before the door slams shut behind him is the stark luminescent wording on the bottom of his coat.

_Halstead._

He avoids them all when he gets back from the call, his anger still bubbling below the surface.

Even Nate can’t get him to talk, and he knows it’s not good when he still has a few hours on his shift and yet…

He just doesn’t understand.

He supposes it’s been a long time since he and the team really talked – what was it, 10, 11 months now? – and even though things had felt like they were getting better, it’s still kind of hard to suddenly say “oh, yeah, I’m married by the way?” and harder still to add “also, I’m a Dad?”

So it had kind of just lingered, time stretching further and further. But it wasn’t like he’d been hiding it either – that’s what he doesn’t understand.

He’s talked enough about Jay and the twins – wasn’t that why Eddie had blown up at him in the first place? – has filed the paperwork, even changed the name on his turnout.

Now he knows they just don’t look at him anymore, don’t listen, and… he gets it.

He does.

He knows he’s exhausting sometimes.

It’s like he’s swinging on a pendulum, torn between understanding why they stopped caring, and being angry that they couldn’t care enough to even hear – to understand – who the most important people in his life now were.

So he avoids them all, because he’s not sure what he might say if he’s forced to open his mouth.

Then two shrieks split the air, familiar and warm and comforting, and everything else just falls away as he hears –

“Papi!!!”

His children’s cries are enough to shatter glass sometimes, but the excitement he can hear in their voices raises him up higher than he once thought possible. Slipping out from his hiding spot in the locker room, he grins widely as he spots the three year olds, Annabeth a few steps behind them.

“There’s my little birdies!”

Their bright eyes latch onto him immediately, more cries of “Papi!” filling the air. A second later, his arms are filled with two clamouring kids, both latching onto him tightly.

He can’t help the laugh that escapes him. “It’s almost like you didn’t see me this morning.”

“But it’s been fo’ever!” Robin says, head lolling back in exasperation.

Pheonix nods so fast Buck fears his head might fall off. “Gammy took us to the park and the scweam shop and…”

“And the bibwy.”

Pheonix keeps nodding. “And you still weren’t hoooome.”

He holds them close, just revelling in their presence, and presses a kiss to each of their foreheads. “I promise I’ll be home really soon, okay? And then we’re going to see if we can call Daddy.”

“YAY!!!” Robin almost screams his ear off at that, and he has to put them down, wincing slightly.

“Inside voice, sweetie.” Annabeth says softly, and Buck pulls his mother-in-law into a hug.

“Thanks again, Mom.” He says sweetly, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

She waves him away. “I’m always happy to take my babies out, and I know how hard it’s been for you with Jay gone.”

“He’ll be home soon.” Evan responds, hoping he’s right.

“And in the meantime he’s got us.” Nate says, hopping down the last of the stairs. As Evan turns he can see Bobby, Hen, Chim and Eddie all watching over the railing with wide eyes, but his focus is predominantly on the man who’s had his back without question for the last several months.

“Uncle Nate!” Both kids cry, latching onto his legs, and Buck bursts out laughing. The other man had met them for the first time a few weeks ago, and the kids had quickly gotten attached.

“I told you they’re in an octopus phase.”

Nate just laughs, bending to hug them. “I thought you guys were birds?”

That gets a laugh out of them, detaching themselves from Nate to run in a circle around him instead, flapping their arms like wings and making tweeting noises.

Buck just shakes his head, grinning at his friend, who grins back.

“Why don’t you get out of here, man?” Nate says then, soft smile on his face as he ruffles both childrens’ hair. “My shift finishes in ten, but I’ll cover your last few hours. Give you more time to see if you can catch Jay?”

“You sure?” Buck asks, immensely grateful. The kids had been extra clingy since Jay went away.

“Course.” Then he turns and gives Bobby a ‘you know you have no room to argue after the shit you’ve all pulled’ glare as he says, “not a problem, is it Captain?”

Bobby just mutely shakes his head. Buck hopes Nate didn’t give them too much of a dressing down, even though he also knows it’s useless, because of course he did.

He hugs Nate tightly, whispering a thank you, and then he’s grabbing his bag from the locker room and ushering the kids to the car; thankfully Annabeth tended to walk with them, so there wasn’t an awkward two car situation.

“You staying for dinner tonight?” Is the last thing the 118 members hear from him before the car door closes, followed by his mother-in-law’s reply.

“I’d love nothing more.”

They don’t get hold of Jay, and it sours Evan’s mood further as he arrives at the 118 the next day.

He greets Nate with a hug and a smile, as always, acts perfectly normal with the other members of his truck, but the four he’d once called family are given nothing less than a cold shoulder.

He’s so tired of putting on a smile for everyone and everything, not letting how exhausted or upset he is show, hiding his feelings, and after yesterday… he’s just done.

If they don’t care enough about him to even listen to what he says, then he doesn’t care enough to say much more to them.

Unfortunately, they’re nothing if not persistent.

“Buck…” It’s Eddie’s voice he hears first as he jogs up the stairs to the kitchen, needing another hit of caffeine for him and Nate while they do inventory, and he sighs heavily.

“What Eddie?” Maybe it’s the tiredness in his voice, or the distinct lack of anything even remotely caring, but he swears the other man flinches.

“I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.” His shoulders are slumped, head tilted down. He looks like a kicked puppy and it should make Evan feel something but all it does is make him angrier.

What about when all of his ‘sorry’s’ were just falling on deaf ears?

He says as much, and then, for good measure. “And what exactly is it you’re sorry for, Eddie? Ignoring me for a good year, or for assuming the people I was talking about, to someone who wasn’t you, by the way, are nothing?”

“He…” Hen must take pity on Eddie’s stuttering response, because she tries herself instead. “We just…”

But Buck doesn’t want to hear their excuses. He doesn’t have it in him. “You what? Assumed I’d fallen back into Buck 1.0?” He pierces her with his stare. “Well excuse me for having a meaningful relationship with the best man I’ve ever met.”

“Man?” Eddie chokes then, cheeks heated for some reason, and Buck can’t hold back a scathing, sassy response.

“Yes, Eddie. Bisexual people do exist, you know? I mean, we don’t go around farting sparkles and doing jazz hands every minute of the day, but I swear, we’re not a myth.”

“I just…”

“Honestly, Eddie?” Buck just shakes his head. “I can’t bring myself to care. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’ve spent the last two months promising my kids that their Dad is coming home, all the while trying not to panic every time I can’t reach him. And one of the few things I was holding onto was that I thought we were getting better – I thought maybe you would all forgive me soon – but it turns out I’ve been nothing less than a ghost to all of you.”

“What do you mean, their Dad is coming home?” Chim asks frowning.

Buck sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “He’s deployed. Army Rangers.” They don’t need to know the specifics.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Buck?” Hen whispers softly. “We could have helped. We can help.”

“It’s not like you ever asked.” He shrugs, and then his eyes meet Eddie’s. “And I didn’t want to be exhausting.”

The flinch is less subtle this time, and it feels like a victory, however small and however wrong. He doesn’t want to make hurt Eddie, but he can’t deny that it’s nice for once to not be the one hurting.

He takes their silence as an escape, quickly pouring two coffees and then heading back downstairs.

Nate manages to ward off a few attempts at conversation – or, as Buck recognises quickly, attempts to pry out information about Jay and the twins – over the afternoon, but by 3pm Buck feels bone weary once more, scrubbing a hand over his face and sighing.

Then he hears it, and it’s like his whole body is suddenly shocked with electricity.

“Evan Halstead!”

He rounds the truck in an instant, eyes wide at the sight of Jay – still in combat fatigues – stood beneath the shutters. His husband is pale, looking a little bit worse for wear, but he’s okay.

He’s alive.

He’s there.

Evan rushes him in the breadth of a single second, wrapping his arms tightly around the man and kissing him with everything that he has. Jay responds in kind, holding him just as tightly. When they reluctantly pull away for air, they still keep themselves close, foreheads resting against each other.

“You’re here.” Evan breathes.

“I’m here.” Jay replies. “And I’m never going away again.”

Evan’s eyes sparkle at the words, his entire face lighting up. “You mean it?”

“I mean it.” Jay nods. “The team’s disbanded. For good, this time.”

Evan just kisses him again.

A hearty chuckle resounds from behind him, and they pull away again, breathless, Evan turning in Jay’s hold to face Nate.

The third man is grinning, happiness for his friend clearly visible. “Wow. I wish someone would give me that greeting.”

Evan just laughs. “I’ve got a brother-in-law I can introduce you to?” It’s said half in jest, being that Will has only ever had eyes for Connor, but it makes the other man’s grin widen, another laugh escaping him.

“Sounds like a double date to me.” Nate responds. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

“Oh, you can try.” Evan chuckles.

“So this is the infamous Jay, huh?” Nate says, half-seriously appraising the other man. “What are your intentions with my best friend?”

Jay just laughs softly. “I mean, I kind of already married him so…”

“Eh, I suppose you’ll do then.” Nate laughs, approaching and holding his hand out. “Nate Young.”

Jay takes it, shaking firmly. “Jay Halstead. Evan’s told me a lot about you.” A smile spreads across his face. “Thanks for looking after him.”

“Always.” Nate responds. “Helps that your kids are the most adorable humans to walk the planet.”

“We couldn’t be luckier.” Evan smiles, leaning up to kiss Jay quickly. “They’re gonna be so happy you’re home.”

“They’re not the only ones.” Jay responds, stealing another kiss himself. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Yeah, what he has is pretty damn perfect, and he doesn’t need anything, or anyone, else.

**Author's Note:**

> It didn’t make it into the fic because I purposefully wanted to do a ‘no redemption’ story, but Eddie’s reasoning for pushing Buck away is because Shannon knew how he felt and called him out on it, and Eddie wasn’t ready to face it. Then Buck almost dies three times and Eddie can’t face the idea of losing him. The lawsuit then only exacerbates that further. He’s just a huge ball of emotional constipation, let’s be honest.
> 
> Also, I really just wanted to focus on Buck’s life moving forward without them; and in the end they’re left on the outside, looking in.


End file.
